SURRENDER

what it feels like in real time

I like to sleep covered up, cushioned under the weight of another… I’m referring to my blanket by the way not my body’s betrayal

It’s been 10 months since I’ve allowed myself fall for the spells of a man.

to be cajoled into an embrace with the opposite sex

to let my eyelids flutter shut with desire

And my breathing come in short, shallow breathes

Do I miss it?

Being loved, being touched, being held ?

Men say the darnest thing when they’re in the zone

one said I was prettier than Beyoncé. Spoiler alertI believed him

I have also heard my scent is an aphrodisiac I didn’t buy that one but I’ve bought a lot spoken with those honey laced tongues…

The things…

I’m a changed person. 🙂

My thoughts are wandering and that’s not the point of this… is this desire?

Am I horny?😭😭😭

What’s this need to fold deeper into myself?

this moistness between my legs

Surely I haven’t encouraged it

Damn all I do is chase the possibility of intimacy away

What day is it?

Oh, Ovulation💀

Darn it, all this body does is tempt me

I knew all that glow I’ve been glowing everyday was not in vain! my boobs fuller? my skin clearer!

This body has been trying to get me to carry a child!!! 😭😭😭😭

Does my body not know it’s a temple of the Holy Spirit? If the body doesn’t know, whoo am I to know?🤷‍♀️

Would I be the problem or the drama for indulging my flesh in what it so evidently wants—obviously not a child, but definitely the tumble in the sheets? to be overpowered [consensually]? manhand…

I’m loosing track again

Deep breathes girl

I battle with thoughts like this sometimes

Would just a tender kiss spoil the things Abba and I have planned and discussed?

Just a peck on the lips? A chaste kiss?!

But that’s the thing… it seldom ends as a tender kiss it’s almost like there is this ravaging monster underneath cool skin threatening to break out from under my control🙂

this tender kiss is just the key it needs to be unlocked

Most times it’s not that I don’t trust the other person to stop … it’s more, would I want to do that… to stop😭

So am I to not kiss again until I find my husband? 😭😭😭

These are the issues I have to define it for me😭

Life of a Christian girlie with raging hormones

Even as I type this, scriptures come to mind

“This to shall pass away”

“Deny your flesh”

“Take up your cross”

Does God care about purity culture?

Welllll, duhhh😂 it’s written a lot in the Bible!

Should it be different for men than it is for women?

I try to read the Bible objectively and I think what is written therein, if it applies to Pierre, it should apply to Pierrette

Fun fact: Peter the name has a feminine name in French… cute right

But I digress

There is a need to keep oneself, but I’m not here to preach to you; I’m here to tell you why I’m doing it.

I was abused as a child and growing up it was this dirty secret but with the coming of social media and thus the normalization of many things, admitting stuff like this doesn’t come off as heavy as it is

So for the longest time keeping my “virginity”- which honestly I read as innocence— was primal to me because it was stolen when I had no say

[No, I wasn’t raped. No, I didn’t lose my “virginity.” I was harassed by adults, and I knew it. It made me feel dirty for the longest time. From as young as age 7 till age 13, I battled with self-image. What was it about me that made this uncle want to put his hands inside my panties while he carried me up in the presence of other children? Why did I go back for him to carry me again? What is it about my flat chest that is so alluring? Why is this brother kissing me with his smelling mouth and this aunty… I think you get the gist no need for more images but alas, with growth comes healing.]

So having this background, it became important to me to not just dash out my body to anybody I meet. If I’m going to be selfish about anything, I’m going to be selfish about myself. With healing comes sight and light

That is a broken reason to keep oneself, as justified as it sounds. I want something better for myself than to carry the weight of pain inflicted on me by people who have gone forward to get Married or do better things for themselves. Hence I turned to God. He also says we should keep ourselves so this year I’ve been trying to understand Gods mind about it

Sex is a beautiful thing when shared with people in love—in a marriage. It’s almost shamed to think you’re keeping yourself for a man who is most likely going around sleeping around but that’s where God comes in again he says, do it for me

And

MUBARAK

was right doing something and telling yourself you’re not doing it for you but for a greater good feels intoxicatingly good.

I am operating on the basis that God is alive and God exists. Even though I find that I push His voice into the abyss of my mind sometimes, when it feels like it keeps demanding and demanding and demanding, more AND MORE AND MORE of me. Like I have to sacrifice myself at this altar

But when I was saying I want to burn for him, what really did I expect

“Above all, all I want is to hear you clearly.”

A line I hear me say when I don’t want to be obedient

I want God in all the crevices of my life I want him to reform me but still I find myself drawing lines and saying,

Not here! touch this part, shine your light on this part but here is a big no no

So apparently this post isn’t about desire but truly about surrender, at least the way it happens in my head. To do the will of God above all else.

Yoooo, that hurts and actually changes everything.

Often times we know what he demands of us. We are just to chicken to follow through

PRAYER: Teach me your ways lord help my heart to be mush in your hands to follow you and the path you lead me and even on days when I’m tired and stubborn, do not leave me

Don’t give up on me God

You’ve been doing this God thing for eternity now; this is my first try, at least in this form. Please direct me more and love me on even days when I trip. I promise to keep trying to keep my eyes on you. You know the beautiful thing is I keep seeing your hand in everything I do, even in the air I breathe.

I’m realizing that surrender is this deep breath. Help me to not change my path no matter how hard it is that I fight you when you try to convert my pain to roses and my view to vision. Help me allow you to move through me.

I ask this for me and for all those reading this publication: may you be with them, keep them and guide them. And above all else, may this page be fruitful, and may it multiply. Amen

Thank you Jesus

And thank you, my babies for reading this

Till next timeee

Momma loves you! Go forth and shine!!!